From Best Week Ever: "You probably already know that Britney Spears is rumored to be dating her beefy bodyguard, but were you aware that this new romance is actually part of the larger plan for her long-promised Big Comeback, which includes a starring film role in a sequel to Brit’s all-time favorite movie. Through our shadowy network of screenwriting operatives, BWE.tv has managed to obtain exclusive pages from the top-secret script for The Bodyguard 2: Manny of the House.

Celebitchy, one of the best news format blogs out there, is taking a vote among its readers to ban coverage of Paris, Britney, and Lindsay...here's what they had to say about the terrible trio's exploits this week:

"So Britney Spears ditched her cousin/personal assistant Alli and shacked up with her bodyguard. She is said to binge drinking, eating and shopping. She is also under investigation by California Child Protective services, and they cited her for not putting gates around her pool area. It still not that interesting to me, and I don’t give a crap about Britney. She does pull a lot of dumb stunts though, and it’s hard not to pay attention to her.

Paris Hilton was sort-of caught smoking herb this week, she went out wearing a t-shirt with a pop art portrait of herself on it.

Lindsay Lohan is a bit more interesting as her lesbian affair with DJ Samantha Ronson was exposed through lovey MySpace messages. She also claimed rehab saved her life and bragged about how she’s reading Machiavelli’s The Prince, which surely helps her feel justified for treating people like crap and stealing from her friends.

So who should we cover, if any of them?"

Feel free to vote in the comments section of celebitchy.com!

Britney's got a new boyf, and while I've seen him called the Geico Caveman, he has been positively identified as her bodyguard Damon (or Daimon, conflicting reports): "Britney Spears is seeing her bodyguard – whose first name is Damon — and he’s already playing stepdad. On Sunday, he attended church services with the singer and her two sons. Damon carried Sean, 22 months, into the church (while Mom held a sleeping Jayden, 10 months) and then comforted the toddler when he started crying.
The prayer session capped off a week of wining and dining for the pair, including a July 4 candlelit dinner at the Four Seasons’ Windows Lounge in L.A., after which, he slept over at her Beverly Hills pad.
On July 5, the pair hit a showing of the musical Wicked (they left after 45 minutes) and, later that evening, drinks at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont hotel, where Spears, 25, giggled and kissed her guy as he affectionately touched her face."

From TMZ: "Slime-headed producer JR Rotem is doing the full kiss-and-tell on his two-week fling with Britney Spears, and it sounds like they had a rather farm-tastic time back in December.

So what did they do, exactly? Rotem snitches to Blender magazine, "I f**ked Britney wheelbarrow style." Oh wait -- he was just kidding, he says. No, in fact, says JR, "It was tractor style." Tractor style?

Well, all the wheelbarrowing and tractoring weren't without consequences. Rotem says that after he and Brit's affair became public, he was -- damn, man!-- axed from Kevin Federline's MySpace friends list.

In the end, says J.R., he and his farm girl Brit "decided for both our careers that it would not be cool to have a romantic relationship." Or one based on hardcore sex, for that matter."

What Michael K of DListed said of Britney's new message post to her fans is hilarious: "First of all, 4 and 5 are out and should be replaced with "Cheeto" and "Thanks To The 3 People Including JJ Who Bought This Album." Britney has this strange obsession with impersonating Valley Girls--remember that video where she addresses the paparazzi in a weird baby doll-Valley Girl voice? And way to smack Lindsay Lohan while she's down. I really like the name "Cheeto"--there's a lot you could do with that. Creatively I mean. Not just the advertising tie-ins.

In case you want to know what color underwear Britney wears, well, the answer is hot pink. She was out getting her nails done and apparently hasn't learned how to exit a car properly. And the sad thing is, we now think, "Well, at least she's wearing underwear this time."

Page Six's Cindy Adams is reporting that Shar Jackson, mother to two of Kevin Federline's four children, and the woman he left pregnant for Britney Spears, is pregnant again--this time again with KFed's baby! Shar, who is seven weeks along, is hoping this will bring the fam back together again, says Star magazine. Drama! So much for the rumors that Britney and KFed were getting back together, and that when he drops the kids off, he stays for hours, sometimes even the night! Page Six says that KFed and his original babymama are back together, and we'll have to see what Ms. Britney thinks of all this. Good for Shar. She, for some odd reason, never held it against Kevin that he left her--pregnant no less--for Britney, and always spoke highly of him. Mabes it's her one true love?

UPDATE: From UsWeekly's blog: Shar Jackson is denying recent reports that she’s is pregnant with Kevin Federline’s child. In fact, she is not pregnant at all.

"It is not even remotely true,” Jackson’s rep tells Usmagazine.com.

The erroneous story originated in this week’s Star magazine, which reported that Jackson, 30, is six weeks along with Federline’s child.

Jackson and Federline, 29, have two children together, a daughter Kori, 4, and a son Kaleb, 2. The Ex Wives Club star also has two children from a previous relationship.

Federline also has two sons with Britney Spears, Sean, 21 months, and Jayden, 9 months.

Stars out and about

From Just Jared and Gallery of the Absurd, assorted photos of asinine celebs:

What's a day without a Britney Spears nip slip? It's like a day without sunshine, or a day without beer at lunch. Apparently, she purchased this little frock from a garage sale, but forgot to try it on. Because when she wore it out, well, the munchkins emerged from Oz.

At last, a clear photo of Jayden James from TMZ.com! He certainly is a mysterious kid, first that photo in the pink fluff suit during the winter time and then months go by with nothing! Don't worry, I won't be using ! in every sentence of this post. ! PSYCH! I just love how the ! changes the delivery! Like you have to say the last word on an upswing or people won't know you're excited! Dlisted.com's Michael K commented on Sean Preston's severe grundy, but further than that, these photos just show that Britney doesn't do much else but hold her children for the paparazzi's sake! Er, wait, remember when she almost dropped SPF?! Maybe she doesn't even know how to do that! There are rumors circulating that Britney is daing her Promises sponsor, a 38 year old real estate developer, and this would be her third rehab rebound romance! She clearly has her act together!

From A Socialite's Life, Britney (no news here) is back on the sauce: "Again, with backup dancers, Spears moved into the VIP room and settled down with several bottles of Grey Goose and champagne. Spears was doing shots. "Lots of them," says our source. Purple Hooter Shots, in fact---part vodka, Chambord and 7-Up. She also visited the private VIP bathroom several times. "Like 80 times," says one spy." Who are these spys? Hall monitors at clubs? Who counts how many times you go to the bathroom? And why do VIPs get a special bathroom? Is the towel thread count higher or something?

I think Britney's wearing a bra. Wild guess: leopard print?

Britney begins to exercise her latest bit of knowledge: How to exit a car correctly. Step one: wear underwear. Step two: close legs. Step three: bend at knees. Step four: stand. Believe it or not, it took Britney three months to fully master the steps.

Grab that wig! I've been dying to see Britney wigless, and/or hatless. What state is the peach fuzz in? How long til she premieres her new do?

x17online.com snags the latest pics of Jayden James...

...who is looking a lot like Sean Preston at that age.

See? She really does go to rehab (as evidenced by the chain smoking--she must fit right in), she just doesn't stay.

Sources are reporting to PEOPLE that Britney Spears has checked out of her second rehab facility in less than a week, this time at Malibu's Promises. This is what she's missing:

"Along with our West Los Angeles facility, Promises Malibu provides primary, inpatient treatment to alcoholics and addicts hooked on prescription or illegal drugs. This means that our residents live full time on our Malibu estate while undergoing treatment for their addiction. Supervised by a medical staff of physicians, physciatrists and nurses and a clinical staff of licensed therapists and social workers, Promises Malibu offers the most comprehensive care for you or your loved one. Our addiction treatment program encompasses detox, dual diagnosis treatment, twelve step education, CBT therapy, experiential therapy, group counseling, indvidual therapy and more - all uniquely planned for each individual resident."

So, in other words, a ball o' fun. And CBT, for those not in the know, is "cognitive Behavioral Therapy." I only know this because my mother uses it, most likely on me.

Britney checked out after less than 24 hours in the facility, against the advice of staff and family, and met with lawyer Blair Berk this afternoon. I know you're thinking, it's for her divorce from KFed, but this is the lawyer who represented Mel "Sugartits" Gibson for his DUI and also Reese Witherspoon in her fight with the paparazzi. Most likely, Britney is meeting with him to file some sort of suit against the paparazzi, as they camped outside of Promises and wouldn't "leave her alone." Wouldn't it be nice if there was a law that banned Britney Spears from being in the tabloids with her chatch out? She'd get a little peace and quiet, we wouldn't lose our lunches, all would be well in the world. Except for that little matter of Paris Hilton....



PSYCH! It's Britney! Not Paris, or even Madonna circa the Material Girl tour. She's tricky that Brit...just when we thought we were getting used to her Susan Powter hair, she pulls a fast one!

Jayden James Federline is finally revealed! In a pink snow suit!


Somehow, I don't think Britney was crossing her fingers that Star mag would be the first to release photos of Jayden.

Britney shaved her head, GI Jane-style? Now this calls for a weekend post.

This is Britney inside Esther's Haircutting Studio, where she took the razor herself and shaved her own head. Now will this be a donation to Locks of Love? Do they accept weaves?
(image courtesy of X17online.com)

The new Britney: perhaps she'll do a cover of "Nothing Compares 2 U"?
(Thanks Bricks and Stones for the pic)

In addition to going bald, Britney got not one but two new tattoos, a cross on her hip and a pair of lips on her wrist. Wonder when she's going to get those KFed dice removed?

For more deets on the downward spiral (is rock bottom not far behind?), USWeekly has the story:

"Usmagazine.com has learned what happened inside Esther's Haircutting Studio in Tarzana, California, Friday night when Britney Spears showed up and commenced her infamous shave-a-thon.

Esther Tognozzi, owner of the salon, tells Us that after Britney shaved off all her hair, "She just looked in the mirror and said with tears in her eyes, 'Oh, my God, I shaved it all off. My mom is going to be so upset with me.'" Tognozzi says that prior to shaving Britney complained that her extensions were "very tight and uncomfortable."

Tognozzi, who waived her normal $20 cut fee for Britney, adds that, other than the tears when she looked in the mirror, "Britney had a blank face and showed little emotion whatsoever."

"We have no idea how she found us," a salon worker tells Us. "She just walked in and said she wanted to shave her head. Esther has been in the business for 30 years and said, 'I'm not doing that.' But Britney was set on having her head shaved so she started doing it herself."

But why did Brit decide to go bald?

The salon source says, "I don't know what's going on in her head, but she obviously is not very happy deep down, but she thought it would make her happy to have her head shaved. She didn't say if she liked it or not, but she thought it would make her happy to do it so she did."

Britney's shocking salon visit came amid conflicting reports of a 24-hour stint in rehab earlier in the week. Britney returned to L.A. Friday on an American Airlines flight from Miami, surprising fellow passengers by sitting in the last row of coach class.

And within hours after landing, the peripatetic mother-of-two managed once again to shock onlookers. This time by shaving her head and getting two tattoos at a curbside parlor in L.A.'s San Fernando Valley.

Usmagazine.com was there as Britney left her Malibu home Friday evening and paid a visit to a Tarzana salon for her brief stint in, uh, hair-hab.

But Britney's night of self-defiling had only just begun.

We were there again when at about 8:30 p.m. Britney arrived at Body & Soul Tattoo in Sherman Oaks.

Shop employee Emily Wynne-Hughes tells Usmagazine.com that Britney arrived at the parlor agitated and, when asked why she shaved her head, replied, "I don't want anyone touching me. I'm tired of everybody touching me."

Hughes adds, "She wasn't making sense at all and you could tell she's not in a good place at all, and that she is totally freaking out."

Hughes tells us Britney then got a black-white-and-pink cross tattooed on her lower hip and red-and-pink lips on her wrist. The price: $80.

Britney was not an ideal subject, however. "She was a nightmare to deal with," says Hughes. "She was screaming and flipping out from the pain and wiggling her body all around."

At one point during Britney's one-hour visit, Hughes asked Britney why there was a pink stain on her fluffy white handbag and Britney said she had "spilled Nyquil all over it."

Hughes, who was somewhere between appalled and concerned by what she saw, adds, "After she left the shop we all just looked around and said to each other, 'We just saw a huge celebrity on the verge of a nervous breakdown.'"

The unconfirmed rehab reports come three days after Spears' former assistant, Felicia Culotta, posted a letter on a Britney fan site saying she is “crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding.”

Culotta told fans: “I want you to know that WE (as in her Family and nearest and dearest—ALL of whom are NOT on the payroll anymore!!) are doing EVERYTHING in our power to get help for Britney."

As Usmagazine.com reported on Thursday, after partying hard last week in New York City, Spears traveled to South Florida this week for a little R&R with her two sons, 17-month-old Sean Preston and 5-month-old Jayden James. Spears, 25, had checked into the Four Seasons Hotel in Miami around midnight on Monday with her boys, sources told Us."

Though she originally planned to stay a week, Britney unexpectedly cut her trip short on the night of Valentine’s Day after drinking one glass of champagne from a bottle of Dom Perignon that she ordered to her room, says a source. “She was very eager to [leave] because something happened,” the source tells Us."

"On the verge of a nervous breakdown"? I think it's official: she's already broken down, and seems beyond help. I'm worried for her, but also for her children. Especially when her ex-assistant Felicia Culotta is saying that everyone nearest and dearest to her is doing EVERYTHING in their power to help her...doesn't seem to be helping much. She seems seriously depressed, and I keep thinking about her alleged ecstasy use, that night at wherever when she was chomping on suckers all night, and I'm wondering if that contributed to her decline. The tattoo artist said she wasn't making any sense at all, and I'm betting that she is hospitalized soon, lest she tries to make a rambling statement on her Britney website, a la Mariah Carey post-Glitter. Stay tuned...this is getting disturbingly interesting.

Well, I posted too soon. It seems that "Extra" is reporting that Britney Spears has entered a rehab facility and that's why she's off the paparazzi radar. But if she truly is a celeb, she'll find a way to stay in the public eye while she's in rehab, just like Lindsay Lohan did.

“Extra” has learned that pop star Britney Spears is entering a rehab facility.

Spears was last seen leaving New York City four nights ago on a private jet with her two young sons heading to Miami.

Then, she disappeared off the paparazzi radar. Spears entering rehab comes after months of hard partying and friends having reached out to her to seek help.

This is all they have to say, which causes me to wonder if this is just wishful speculation. No official comment has been made, so we'll have to stay tuned to "Extra" for the latest news...ugh, Mark McGrath? No thanks. So let's go to TMZ.com for more deets:

"TMZ has learned that while Britney Spears checked-in to rehab, she refused to stay and checked out -- less than twenty-four hours later!

As "EXTRA" first reported, the pop star entered a rehab facility two days ago. Now TMZ has learned that the center was located outside of the country, and she refused to stay.

TMZ is told that Britney checked in at the urging of friends and family, after being seen intoxicated in public places and was so "exhausted" on New Year's Eve she collapsed.

According to TMZ sources, Britney is on her way back to Los Angeles.

A rep for Britney could not immediately be reached for comment."

Hmmmm...Reconstructing Britney is the challenge of the century: lose the sauce, gain some clothes, take mothering classes, and release hit album. Can it be done?

Phoebe on "Friends" used "Regina Philangee" (spelling questionable, sorry, I did my phonetic best). My alias in the past has been "Cam Shamsie" but I think I've found a new one: Felicia Culotta, which simultaneously calls to mind Dunkin' Donuts Coolatas and the once-cool culottes. Adding in Felicia brings an air of wealthy mystique, but alas the real Felicia Culotta is Britney Spears' 41-year-old former longtime assistant and she's had it up to here with Brit's partying and crotch-baring. They parted ways after nine and a half years together, which is pretty much the length of Brit's entire career, and Felicia wrote an open letter to Britney and sent it to the head of one of the top Britney sites, the same guy who said he would be closing up shop due to Britney's recent wild ways and loss of fan base.

Here are some excerpts, thanks Bricks and Stones!

"I LOVED being with Britney for the past 9 1/2 years. I enjoyed being a part of HER dream, but now, am living my own dream. I cherish ALL the incredible opportunities that came my way thru my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding…I want you to know that WE (as in her Family and nearest and dearest—ALL of whom are NOT on the payroll anymore!!) are doing EVERYTHING in our power to get help for Britney and all in our power to NOT pad the bottom or move the bottom, so when she does indeed hit rock bottom, she’ll stand up and walk away from this whole fiasco a new, confident, changed, career driven Britney like we all knew and loved.

To see what’s transpiring now, makes me feel a failure, defeated. I LOVED and BELIEVED in what I was a part of for the past 10 years and was so incredibly proud of Britney and all she’d become."

I love when people put things in all caps. It's so INTENSE and really GETS THE POINT ACROSS. Because she didn't just love being with Britney; she LOVED it. There's a diff. And maybe I'm too familar with Cacee Cobb (sadly), Jessica Simpson's best friend and former personal assistant, but aren't P.A.'s usually around the same age and just an excuse for a celeb to put a friend on the payroll? Felicia Culotta must have been a real professional. I'm reminded of the poor P.A. who used to work for Lindsay Lohan and then traded up for Jessica Biel, then Lohan screamed at the P.A. at some party. Sounds like a sucky job, going to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for drinks, wiping up their vomit on the floor of the Ivy, denying that your boss is sleeping with Benicio Del Toro, being strapped to your Blackberry at all hours of the day and night...even if you are a "friend", it's hard to watch their life go down the shitter a la Ms. Spears. Seems she's cutting ties with much of her staff but it doesn't seem like she's going to settle down anytime soon. I'm betting rehab in a month, once she finishes the record.