From Best Week Ever: "You probably already know that Britney Spears is rumored to be dating her beefy bodyguard, but were you aware that this new romance is actually part of the larger plan for her long-promised Big Comeback, which includes a starring film role in a sequel to Brit’s all-time favorite movie. Through our shadowy network of screenwriting operatives, BWE.tv has managed to obtain exclusive pages from the top-secret script for The Bodyguard 2: Manny of the House.

Celebitchy, one of the best news format blogs out there, is taking a vote among its readers to ban coverage of Paris, Britney, and Lindsay...here's what they had to say about the terrible trio's exploits this week:

"So Britney Spears ditched her cousin/personal assistant Alli and shacked up with her bodyguard. She is said to binge drinking, eating and shopping. She is also under investigation by California Child Protective services, and they cited her for not putting gates around her pool area. It still not that interesting to me, and I don’t give a crap about Britney. She does pull a lot of dumb stunts though, and it’s hard not to pay attention to her.

Paris Hilton was sort-of caught smoking herb this week, she went out wearing a t-shirt with a pop art portrait of herself on it.

Lindsay Lohan is a bit more interesting as her lesbian affair with DJ Samantha Ronson was exposed through lovey MySpace messages. She also claimed rehab saved her life and bragged about how she’s reading Machiavelli’s The Prince, which surely helps her feel justified for treating people like crap and stealing from her friends.

So who should we cover, if any of them?"

Feel free to vote in the comments section of celebitchy.com!

From A Socialite's Life: "Little Hilary Duff is growing up fast, and seems to be taking the very public relationship of her ex-boyfriend, Joel Madden, and Nicole Richie in stride. However, she does admit that she was confused by his behavior after their break-up.

"All of the going out he did after we broke up sort of shocked me," Duff told Seventeen magazine. "Like, that's just so out of character for him, and when we were together, he hated stuff like that, so I felt like I didn't really know him as well as I thought I did."

However, it looks like Hilary's been up to some partying of her own, hitting the town with her sister, Haylie, and Brody Jenner. But don't be fooled, Hilary says. Her hopes and dreams are still squeaky-clean.

"I still want the cookie-cutter American dream," Duff insisted, "to get married, have kids, and have a house with a picket fence. I still believe that marriage can work."

I so rarely give young starlets the benefit of the doubt, but Hilary seems like a nice girl with her head on straight, so if she's partying a little bit here and there, more power to her. I saw her stuffing backpacks with food at an elementary school for goodness' sake! She's a good girl, who just needs a little more meat on her bones."

CELEBDISH CUTLETS
--> "Two and a Half Men" star Charlie Sheen is engaged to his girlfriend of more than a year, Brooke Mueller, a real estate investor. Um, that's like marrying Robert Downey, Jr. and not knowing he had a drug problem.
--> Posh, Becks and family are coming to America to start their new life. They will live in a Beverly Hills mansion only down the street from TomKat. The home features a $100,000 plasma TV, indoor/outdoor pool bar, a security barrack for 10, gold bathroom fixtures inset with gems and they are shelling out over $1 million to have it designed. But that's not fancy or anything!
--> The National Enquirer reports that KFed is smitten with Los Angeles Hip-Hop radio personality, Liz Hernandez. The two first met 18 months ago on her radio show when Liz asked him who was better in bed, Britney or Shar? Hah.
--> Reports Dlisted: Jessica Simpson has never had ANY plastic surgery. Well, that's what she's told Harper's Bazaar magazine. Her sister Ashlee obviously has had a ton of work, but Jess claims she hasn't had a lick. She said, "I've had none. But maybe after having kids, if my boobs dropped down to my belly button, I would get them lifted. ... Maintenance. But you know, my boobs are real. People have said that I've had things like a jaw replacement or implant or something. I'm photographed every day of my life and have never worn any bandages or anything, so how could that be right?"

Which hip-hop legend is going to go broke paying child support? Besides his known baby mamas, seven months ago, a member of his entourage gave birth to another child of his, which was the last straw for his girlfriend.

What pint-size pop star likes to pop Adderall? She's even tried to foist the prescription zinger on female friends.

Which stunning former celebrity wife and popular men's magazine model is about to ink a deal with adult film company Platinum Jewel?

He may be a bit of a wizard on the green baize but which snooker star lost his passport this week in Hong Kong's bar district... on a night out with a hooker?

Which Brit rap lothario keeps a shagpad in Wimbledon secret from both wife and girlfriend? When he's not ensconced his married friends can enjoy its charms.

Britney's got a new boyf, and while I've seen him called the Geico Caveman, he has been positively identified as her bodyguard Damon (or Daimon, conflicting reports): "Britney Spears is seeing her bodyguard – whose first name is Damon — and he’s already playing stepdad. On Sunday, he attended church services with the singer and her two sons. Damon carried Sean, 22 months, into the church (while Mom held a sleeping Jayden, 10 months) and then comforted the toddler when he started crying.
The prayer session capped off a week of wining and dining for the pair, including a July 4 candlelit dinner at the Four Seasons’ Windows Lounge in L.A., after which, he slept over at her Beverly Hills pad.
On July 5, the pair hit a showing of the musical Wicked (they left after 45 minutes) and, later that evening, drinks at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont hotel, where Spears, 25, giggled and kissed her guy as he affectionately touched her face."

Reports Bricks and Stones, Drew Barrymore is at the center of a love triangle: "Drew Barrymore is apparently making the rounds when it comes to men. The actress who was first romantically linked to director Spike Jonze about four months ago was spotted yesterday at El Rey Theatre, cuddling and kissing the director in a VIP booth. Drew was seen stroking Jonze’s moustache and kissing him for a good ten seconds according to an audience member.
Only last week Barrymore was seen getting frisky with "Scrubs" star Zach Braff. The couple was spotted at a "Saturday Night Live" afterparty and in various areas of NYC. An onlooker told People:
“There was a moment when they kissed and it seemed almost blissful.”
Reps for Barrymore and Braff had no comment. A rep for Jonze said “we don’t comment on our clients personal lives.”

Who are these gay onlookers: "it seemed almost blissful"? Why do they always exaggerate a relationship? Two people kiss and suddenly they're soulmates? Try next week they're over each other.

Star magazine is reporting that Nicole Richie's baby is in danger: "She's just 25 years old, but Nicole Richie has done more than her share of hard living. And now, say medical experts, she may have to pay the price.

Nicole has been using heroin and pills. She's abused alcohol and cocaine and battled devastating anorexia. She has also been arrested for DUI and drugs and has done three stints in rehab, while becoming famous as Paris Hilton's wild party pal.

But the 12-weeks-pregnant "The Simple Life" star is facing her biggest challenge yet — motherhood.

Although she's frightened and desperate to stay clean, sources say sobriety remains a daily struggle, and experts agree that beating her demons will likely be a long and arduous process.

HIGH RISK
Doctors say Nicole's pregnancy is unusually high-risk. If she did have drugs in her system when she got pregnant, she could be at risk for a miscarriage or birth defects.

Nicole's weight is another serious ongoing problem. Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., a clinical professor at Yale University (who has not treated Nicole), is surprised that the scary-skinny star could conceive at all. "That baby is at extraordinary risk," says Dr. Minkin. "Nicole needs to gain at least 40 pounds to nourish the baby properly."

Bricks and Stones posts on her latest legal victory: "In the life of the privileged and famous, Nicole Richie has gotten another break in her DUI trial. The trial will not start today and has been pushed back another month until August 16th. The postponement occurred because Nicole’s key witness, Dr. McGee, is on vacation with his family. Dr. McGee will reportedly challenge the drug results.

I bet this stupid hoe will not even get charged even when she finally gets her ass to court. And the worst part is, what jury would believe a doctor named Dr. McGee?That sounds real credible, like he for sure isn’t some ex-hippie stoner doctor that passes out prescriptions for weed and vicodin. Gotta love the justice system."

How is anyone remotely surprised? Celebs get out of jail time? This is not news. What's beyond sick though, is that she would possibly use her pregnant condition to the aid of avoiding a sentence. I mean, what is this, "The Young and the Restless"? Maybe her evil twin should take the stand.

From the VHI blog: "When Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie visited his family in Springfield, Mo., recently, Angie’s frail appearance stunned the Pitts. And when everyone sat down for dinner, says a family insider, Angelina ate only a handful of grapes and a small slice of watermelon — and skipped breakfast the next morning!

In recent days, Brad has grown increasingly concerned about Angie’s eating habits and shrinking frame — and what they’re doing to the star’s health. A second family insider says the 5-foot-8 actress is down to just 95 pounds and suffers from headaches and dizzy spells. “She’s wasting away, and Brad doesn’t know what to do,” says the second insider. “He’s worried sick about her, but she refuses to eat.”

She IS looking quite the skinny minnie...the new Nicole Richie. Perhaps following her mother's death, she became too thin and her body grew used to the limited food intake and now it's difficult to put weight on. With Nicole, most of her weight issues were tied to substances, and with Angelina, it dealt more with grief. Hopefully, she can become healthy again, especially based on the energy needed to be a mother of four.

This gross story from A Socialite's Life: "The Willis-Moore clan are fun. The mom marries some goofy cat way younger than her, and Dad will chase tail openly in front of the kids. "My Dad's so funny! He was totally staring at that model's tits the other night! Then he went home with her! Wear a condom, Daddy! Get some! Yippee-kay Aye, Motherf*cker! Whoot!"

At the after-party for his movie premiere Friday night, at Spotlive Live in Times Square, Willis was spotted "flirting and leaving with a gorgeous young blonde." Our spy said he picked her up "right in front of [his 18-year-old daughter] Rumer Willis." On Sunday, the bald bachelor held court with a table of "20-something models" while celebrating Petra Nemcova's birthday at the Gramercy Park Hotel - again with his daughter looking on.

Bruce is far too All-American to be playing some sort of psychosexual game with his daughter, so I'm just going to chalk it up to loose morals and bad parenting. Did he high-five his daughter as he left?

From I'm Not Obsessed, an interview in NYLON mag where she addresses being a former heroin addict and rumored anorexic.

Nicole was recently interviewed by Nylon Magazine and confessed that she doesn’t want to be looked at as a role model. She is surprised that young girls look up to her and finds it dangerous.

“I don’t walk around pretending that I’m perfect, so I don’t think anyone should hold me to that. The dangerous thing is that there are 16, 17, 18-year-olds that people consider to be role models. I’m so happy I wasn’t famous back then. You’d think I was the fucking devil.”

She also is so angry that the press keeps on tagging her as an anorexic.

“It’s really sad how obsessed America is with weight. It’s sick. I’ve never gone a day without putting food in my mouth. I’ve never sewn my mouth shut. I’ve never gone on a liquid diet. So I want to know why I’m the face for a problem.”

Nicole even opened up about her time as a heroin addict. She insists she never reached the “crazy crack head” level that some of her peers did.

“When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crackhead with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you.
“And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes.”

She should talk to Anthony Keidis about being under a bridge. Is that where all the LA crackheads hang out?

From Mollygood, Amy Winehouse is being a badass again. And-gasp-she uses coke to stay skinny? What a fucking revolutionary concept.

"As news of her self-destructive behavior becomes less and less rare, Amy Winehouse is slowly but surely becoming a caricature of herself. Her latest stunt included slicing her stomach with a shard of glass during an interview, periodically escaping to the bathroom and returning fussing with her nose and allowing her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, to sit in on the interview and threaten the lives of passersby.

Talking before her recent marriage to husband Blake Fielder-Civil, she ranted about her new found superstardom.

‘I’m not in this to be a fucking role model’ she insisted.

Fielder-Civil, joined her at the interview in the Toad Hall pub, New York, reportedly threatening a drinker, asking the interviewer: ‘Tell the guy who looks like he has leukaemia I’m going to slit his throat.’

According to reports the jazz songstress then cut into her stomach after posing with a shard of mirror for the photo shoot.

She then went to the toilet several times, repeatedly checking her nose with the piece of mirror.

As talented as she is, I’m afraid that what Amy Winehouse doesn’t understand is that after a certain point “antics” are only impressive to dipshits and 13-year-olds, and both of those groups have an attention span of about seven minutes. So long after the rest of us have gone, “Fuck her if she wants to kill herself,” she’s gonna turn to them and they’re gonna go, “We’re so over you!” Then things start getting lonely. She should call Marilyn Manson and ask him what it’s like.

This is like wearing an airbrushed Great American t-shirt that says, "He's mine." And could Uggs die already? I mean, they're short for "ugly."

Now, I didn't watch "Larry King Live" with Paris Hilton last night as, well, I don't really watch "Larry King." Ever. I found it surprising that she chose to have her first post-prison interview with Larry King. I figured she'd have gone for some female support via "The View" or something. At least then she'd spill on prison deets, instead of answering (or not answering) questions like "What's you favorite Bible passage?" (Paris couldn't answer that.) She did however answer the question, "Have you ever tried drugs?" with a resounding lie: "No." Photographic evidence is below. So all in all, she's back in the public eye, free to roam Hollywood red carpets, but we'll have to see if she's "changed." From the looks of her interview, the answer is "no."

From Dlisted, after seven years, the Spice Girls will reunite. I know, I know, all your dreams are coming true...

In what has become the worst-guarded secret in music has become a reality. The Spice Girls announced today that they will reunite after 7 years. They will embark on a 25-city World tour as soon as this Christmas.

Sources say that the girls have already headed to the studio to record their "vocals" for the tour. I mean, these are the effin Spice Girls do you expect them to sing live?

The source said, "When the girls sing out of tune on stage, the mistakes in their voices are instantaneously corrected - in less than a tenth of a second - by computer to perfect the pitch and tone."

"And it is this remastered "virtual voice" which belts out across the arena. The girls' vocals are altered so quickly that it will appear the resulting perfect voices are live and their own."

Can we also use that technology on Britney Spears when she makes her big comeback?

The Spice Girls will each take home around $20 million, so it's not a mystery as to why they reunited. Old sluts! When I saw their asses they even lip-synced their fucking dialogue. So hot.

That being said, what the hell is Geri wearing? Is she trying out for Pollyana the Musical?

BLIND ITEMS
This teenage actress hasn't been seen with her boyfriend lately. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he took her virginity and has been telling anyone who will listen that he's ready to find the next one now.

This B list comic film and television actor is engaged and loyal. EXCEPT that he thought he had a chance with a Playboy model and so began blowing off his soon to be betrothed. Our actor called, texted and squired around the Playboy model but with absolutely no luck. Turns out she was just using him for favors and presents. He found out when she was spotted making out and all over this A list film actor. Our actor's fiance doesn't seem to have found out, although they have not been spotted in public together since this all began.

With the writer's and actor's strike looming, this show has been filming almost constantly. The male star of this network drama has been doing so much coke and speed to keep himself alert during filming that he looks wildly different not only from each episode to the next, but even from scene to scene which is causing even more filming.

Believe it or not, this is the SECOND DOCUMENTED TIME that Brooke Hogan has worn these...uh...chaps (?). Don't know if this is part of her onstage costume, but they need to go.

From TMZ: "Scary opened up to OK! Magazine about the recent DNA test on her daughter Angel, saying, "There was never a doubt in my mind that Eddie (Murphy) was the father." A rep for Miss Brown confirmed on Friday that her client had received test results proving that Eddie is the father of Angel Iris Murphy Brown. Spice up your life!

Mel B. seems glad to have the paternity mess cleared up, "Angel is a beautiful little girl, and I feel blessed to have two happy, healthy children." Mel's daughter, Phoenix Chi, is from her previous marriage to Dutch dancer Jimmy Gulzar. Viva forever!"

Sucks for Eddie Murphy to publicly deny it, then be found in the wrong. How many kids does he have already, twelve? Oh well, he's got about a billion dollars from all those franchised movies; if his baby mommas are smart, they'll get half of it.

Paris sent a card to TMZ and it looks like it was drawn by a five year old.

The dad from "Heroes" would like you to know he was not making out with the underage actress who plays his daughter Claire on the show.

Let me squash immediately whatever misguided notions anyone may have gotten from a picture taken a couple of days ago of Hayden and me on the set. There were two papparazzi hanging around all day across the street taking pictures of Hayden's every move. In the scene we were shooting Claire (Hayden) kisses her father (me) on the cheek. The angle at which the photo was taken created in a very misleading image. In one picture I am in short sleeves, that was a rehearsal, in the other I'm in a jacket, that was during a take.

That's it. Please go no further with this nonsense.

Sincerely,

Jack Coleman

Writing a letter when a picture says it all? Please, you're giving the paparazzi too much intellectual credit.

God, even Britney's weave looks better than that.

NAME THAT ASS
Hint: she had a sex tape with Moesha's brother.

From In Case You Didn't Know: "Germany has barred the makers of a movie about a plot to kill Adolf Hitler from filming at German military sites because its star Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, the Defense Ministry said on Monday.

Cruise, also one of the film’s producers, is a member of the Church of Scientology which the German government does not recognize as a church. Berlin says it masquerades as a religion to make money, a charge Scientology leaders reject.

The U.S. actor has been cast as Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, leader of the unsuccessful attempt to assassinate the Nazi dictator in July 1944 with a bomb hidden in a briefcase.

Defense Ministry spokesman Harald Kammerbauer said the film makers “will not be allowed to film at German military sites if Count Stauffenberg is played by Tom Cruise, who has publicly professed to being a member of the Scientology cult”.

“In general, the Bundeswehr (German military) has a special interest in the serious and authentic portrayal of the events of July 20, 1944 and Stauffenberg’s person,” Kammerbauer said.

Cruise’s publicists could not be reached for comment.

Stauffenberg had been deeply opposed to the Nazis’ treatment of the Jews and planted a briefcase bomb under a table near Hitler in his “Wolf’s Lair” headquarters on July 20, 1944. The bomb went off but only wounded the Fuehrer.

The film, slated for a 2008 release and to be directed by Bryan Singer and co-starring Kenneth Branagh, is called “Valkyrie” after Operation Valkyrie, the plot’s codename.

The main site of interest would be the “Bendlerblock” memorial inside the Defense Ministry complex in Berlin. This is where Stauffenberg and his co-conspirators hatched the plot and where he and his closest comrades were executed when it failed.

Kammerbauer said the ministry had not yet received official filming requests from the producers of “Valkyrie”.

Now...to work on banning Tom Cruise films in the US.

Ashton Kutcher checking out stepdaughter Rumer Willis--sick!

From Celebitchy: "A judge has ordered Michael and Dina Lohan, the divorced parents of Lindsay and younger siblings sister Aliana, 13, and brother Dakota, 11, to attend therapy together. The judge presiding over the custody battle for Lindsay’s younger siblings says that therapy will aim to reunite Lindsay’s father Michael with his children. Michael was released from prison in March after serving less than two years out of a four year sentence for DUI and assault.

This week’s Enquirer is reporting that Michael plans to reveal that his wife used cocaine while pregnant with Lindsay if things don’t go his way in the custody battle. This is not entirely new, as these details about Dina’s alleged cocaine use were revealed during their divorce:

In court documents related to the Lohans’ divorce, Michael stated: “During our courtship, my wife abused cocaine on a regular basis. She would fly into fits of rage… and while my wife was pregnant with our oldest child, Lindsay, she would travel regularly to Flushing, Queens, in order to purchase cocaine.

“My wife has always rationalized her use of cocaine by saying that ‘it sharpens her talents’”

[From National Enquirer print edition, July 2, 2007]

Lohan’s mom denies using cocaine while pregnant.

The Enquirer quotes an expert as saying that if this is true, it could genetically predispose Lindsay to become an addict herself. Whether the cause of Lindsay’s addictive personality is nature or nuture or a combination of both, it’s not that much of a stretch to look to her messed up family as inspiration. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t have personal responsibility for her issues, just that you can see where they come from.

Lohan is wisely going to spend more time in Promises rehab beyond 30 days. Dina says she’s “doing great” and is going into the facility’s “extended care program.” Lindsay’s 21st birthday party in Vegas on July 2nd has been cancelled, but she will still have an alcohol-free party outside of the facility. While I wish her the best and hope she cleans up for good, the skeptic in me thinks she’s staying longer in rehab so that she can time her exit to maximum effect. If she were to get out now, her return to the paparazzi spotlight would be eclipsed by Paris’ big release from jail.

From Popsugar: "After an initially dramatic few days of checking into jail, out on house arrest, and then back in, Paris Hilton was just released from jail. After 23 days, she left Lynwood at almost exactly the stroke of midnight, emerging with a big smile on her face, waving, and running straight into her parents' arms. Considering the big deal she's made about being a changed person, she certainly walked out of jail looking a bit like she was enjoying the attention. We won't have to wait too long before hearing about the experience straight from the heiress' mouth -- she's set to appear on Larry King tomorrow night. The first immediate story from Fox News (as they trailed her car OJ-style) was that she had Sprinkles cupcakes in the car."

CELEBDISH BLIND ITEMS

Which newsman and TV legend has been able to keep his skeletons in the closet for decades? He has two children out of wedlock who are now adults living in New Jersey. (Page Six)

Which male model, who was recently in the tabloids due to his love life, had such bad paranoia due to his monster coke habit that on a weekend in the Hamptons a few years ago he slept with a kitchen knife because he was convinced people were out to get him? (Gatecrasher)

Which muscle-bound ballplayer likes to bring his wife to strip clubs, where the couple enjoys wild times in private back rooms? He doesn't mind when his wife gets blind drunk because then she can't see the fun he's having? (Page Six)

Julia Roberts and Danny Moder welcomed their third child today, reports DListed. They have named him Henry Daniel Moder. He weighed in at 8.5lbs. Henry's twin brother and sister, twins Hazel and Phinnaeus, turned 2 in November.

Nothing exciting like Apple or Blubell, so nothing much to talk about.

From DListed: "Lindsay Lohan has cancelled her big 21st Birthday bash which was set for July 2nd at Pure in Las Vegas. Homegirl is still at Promises rehab after checking herself in on May 28th. She's due to be popped out in the next two weeks.

Her spokeswhore said, "The party was canceled officially over two weeks ago. We were confused why PURE was even still promoting it. But Lindsay will not be having the birthday party at PURE and is focusing on her recovery 100 percent.”

A source at Pure told UsWeekly that they agreed to let her out even though she was paid for it and signed a contract."

Oh boo hoo. She can't have her first drink on her 21st bday. Too bad. She'll have to go back to chugging out of the bottle.

Here's Britney Spears with her dancer Criscilla (is she just a one-namer, like Cher? With a name like Criscilla, I could see it being true) and cutesy funny--they traded outfits! Like swapping dresses on a Cabbage Patch Kid! Some comments (on THIS blog? whaa?) are claiming that Britney puked on one outfit and then traded, but I ask: who would wear the puked-on dress? Even a personal assistant wouldn't sink so low. I hope. But dancers, I don't know, they're a different variety.

From Brick&Stones: "Nicole Richie fueled those pregnancy rumors by declining alcohol Thursday night at the YSL Center Dance Arts party at the Beverly Hills Hotel. According the the NYDN, her boyfriend Joel Madden’s ex, Hilary Duff (who was to have been outfitted by YSL), hadn’t been informed of the couple’s attendance, but caught wind of it at the last minute and canceled 30 minutes before the party."

Sucks for Hil. Bet she's thinking about how she wouldn't put out. So there's this Ghoul Pool at my work, and you bet on which celebs and notable figures will die next. Some lady won $1000 when Anna Nicole died. Grim? Yes. Fun? Totally. Profitable? Bonus. While my instinct says "Lindsay Lohan" my mind says, "How will Nicole see a baby to term weighing 83lbs?" So I may vote Nicole Richie in the Ghoul Pool. Let me know in comments who I should vote for.

Shiloh and Maddox Jolie-Pitt out in NYC with mom Angelina Jolie.

Sucks when your weird knife-play photos hit the blog circuits and it affects your employment status. Such is the case of Vanessa Minnillo, one-time VJ and "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent, who is currently unemployed and has been shopping around a reality series proposal. First of all, people need to care about what you're doing in order to have a reality show. I don't care what Vanessa Minnillo does. She could date Tommy Lee and I still wouldn't care. From Bricks&Stones: “The show would just follow her around in her day,” a source says, adding wryly, “She really wants to be famous.” The TV personality has a reputation among some of her MTV colleagues as being difficult, says another insider. Although it is not clear where a reality show would air, it is not an MTV project, says a source.

Minnillo declined to comment recently when we asked her about upcoming projects.

No word on how the reality show would sit with her beau, Nick Lachey, who already had to live through his life being broadcast during his marriage to Jessica Simpson on MTV’s “Newlyweds.”

If I were Nick, I'd get the hell outta Dodge. Reality tv is poison for a relationship (see the MTV curse) and if they'd already had to deal with the knife-play pics being exposed, I can't imagine what would happen to them if Vanessa went MTV reality. I mean, I can understand. Being followed for an MTV reality show is like being invited to sit at the cool table at lunch. But ultimately, you eat less and become more of a bitch, so it's a toss-up for Ms. Minnillo.

From TMZ: "Says Paris' mom Kathy, who tells People that their visit to Paris in jail left Nicky "in hysterics" and that the younger Hilton "tried to keep the brave face but -- I never see Nicky cry." Nicky describes the scene as "right out of the movies ... the glass partition, the orange jumpsuit. Everything."

Meanwhile, Nicky might be boo-hooing but she's spitting back at L.A. City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo, saying, "[Paris is] not in jail for DUI. That's a big misconception. She's in jail for driving on a suspended license, just like the D.A.'s wife was." Delgadillo's wife did get just a $186 fine for a traffic ticket she got while driving on a suspended license two years ago, though she wasn't busted for the license."

Unless she commits suicide in her cell with a bedsheet, I'm not posting anymore Paris Hilton stories. For the day.

TMZ cameras spotted this sign posted outside the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood yesterday. What, did the inmates make this in their spare time? All that time they have between dying their lips fruit punch red and finding Jesus?

From TMZ: "Slime-headed producer JR Rotem is doing the full kiss-and-tell on his two-week fling with Britney Spears, and it sounds like they had a rather farm-tastic time back in December.

So what did they do, exactly? Rotem snitches to Blender magazine, "I f**ked Britney wheelbarrow style." Oh wait -- he was just kidding, he says. No, in fact, says JR, "It was tractor style." Tractor style?

Well, all the wheelbarrowing and tractoring weren't without consequences. Rotem says that after he and Brit's affair became public, he was -- damn, man!-- axed from Kevin Federline's MySpace friends list.

In the end, says J.R., he and his farm girl Brit "decided for both our careers that it would not be cool to have a romantic relationship." Or one based on hardcore sex, for that matter."

Where are they now, Saturday morning tv edtion: Paul Ruebens aka Pee Wee Herman breaks out the gray suit-red bowtie look once more. Wonder if Laurence Fishbourne is missing his cowboy suit?

Jessica Alba keeps putting her foot in her mouth and it's kind of entertaining. Case in point: “I’ve got cousins galore. Mexicans just spread all their seeds. And the women just pop them out.” Holy shit! Did she say “pop them out”? And then there’s this one:
“My grandfather…tried to forget his Mexican roots, because he never wanted his kids to be made to feel different in America. He and my grandmother didn’t speak Spanish to their children. Now, as a third-generation American, I feel as if I have finally cut loose.”
Cord from Mollygood says, "I understand that people have a desire to assimilate and be accepted for who they are rather than what their ethnicity is. But talking about how proud you are to be a part of the generation that was finally able to get rid of that whole “Mexican” burden is fucked up on a variety of levels, each riddled with more shame than the one prior. Zapata’s mustache just fell off in Heaven."

Soraya Lopez served time with Paris Hilton at Lynwood and says she's "top dog" in prison and the other inmates are glad to have her there. Soraya said that Paris is not wearing the orange jumpsuit that the others wear, but she's wearing pink polka dot prison scrubs. She's also wearing full make-up when other girls have to use coffee grounds and fruit punch to make lipstick and blush.

Soraya is glad that Paris was there with her, because she claims they were treated better. "The whole facility is benefiting from this - they are feeding us better and releasing us earlier because they don't want people around her."

Is Paris really this cool? Like worthy of the BMOC title (or the BBIJ--Big Bitch in Jail)? Why was she allowed to separate herself from the other inmates with pink polka dot prison scrubs? This isn't a fucking hospital where you can celebrate Easter via printed scrubs. And I guess that old adage about women dressing up for each other is true, if women are that desperate for makeup that they use coffee grounds (for hair dye??) and fruit punch.

Nicole Richie hasn't addressed rumors that she's pregnant with Joel Madden's baby, but she has changed her wardrobe quite a bit, opting for blousy, flowy dresses or jumpers, and hey, that's evidence enough for the bloggers. But it seems (if you believe her "friends") that Richie has ulterior motives for being pregnant.

"A friend of Nicole's said she's definitely knocked up and is hoping that a baby will keep her out of jail due to a DWI arrest. The friend said, "Nicole is kind of hoping her pregnancy will keep her out of jail." Other friends are concerned that she will be able to carry the baby, because of her stick-thin figure."

Classy, Nicole.

Angelina Jolie addressed rumors about her weight saying, "I've always been lean and this year I lost my mom and I've gone through a lot. I have four kids and I finished breastfeeding – it's been hard to get my nutrition back on track. Instead of people saying I look like a person dealing with something emotionally, they assume it's because I want to fit into skinny jeans. Someone saying to me that I'm thin is not a compliment.” I understand that she was depressed following her mother's death, but she is grossly underweight. Look at her arm, the bone is popping out! And as far as breastfeeding burning an insane amount of calories, she needs to supplement her diet with more food to balance out the loss of calories. More food. Crazy idea, but it just might work.

I don't remember this car crash being that bad. Then again, Lindsay Lohan's been involved in numerous car crashes since she got her license (did they even give her a road test?), the latest bringing DUI charges against her, as well as narcotics possession, since a "usable amount" of cocaine was found in her car. From DListed: "The dude suing Lindsay Lohan for crashing into his van outside The Ivy restaurant in 2005 is also suing the restaurant, because he claims bitch was drunk during the accident. The lawsuit claims that The Ivy is partly responsible for the accident, because they served Lindsay booze right before the crash. He is seeking $200,000 in damages. If The Ivy served her ass shouldn't they be investigated or something? Bitch was a minor when this went down and of course she was drunk! Does homegirl do anything sober anymore?" I agree with Michael K, they need to launch a full-scale assault on the clubs and restaurants in LA and NYC for letting underage stars in, especially when they end the evening with a car crash. Bring back the keg party, boycott clubs! Drink in peace in your own home! That worked for me. Er, "works" for me.

Don't they have more important things to worry about than attending the unveiling of Barbara Walters' star on the The Walk of Fame? "They" being Kathy and Nicky Hilton, mother and sister to serving-time Paris. AND they got precedence over Joy Behar, Barbara's costar on "The View", who is standing directly behind them! I guess they're just sucking it up, Hollywood-style. You know, your dog dies, you put on couture and a happy face to make an appearance at the AIDS benefit. Stay home?? Hell no.

Lou Perlman, the man who cursed us with N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys, has been located and arrested. From Dlisted: "Overall hotness, Lou Perlman, was arrested this morning in Indonesia and will be sent to Florida shortly to face bank fraud charges. Lou created some of the biggest boy bands in the 90s from the Backstreet Boys to N'Sync. He cheated thousands of investors out of $315 million by selling them bogus savings account plan, then using their money to cover his losses in other businesses. He was on the lamb for months." How could he be on the lamb? He can barely shuffle down a sidewalk. Maybe they'll starve him in prison, because you KNOW he won't be doing push-ups on the floor of his cell.

From Mollygood, regarding Lily Allen's recent show in NYC: "Smoking and chugging shots onstage, the rambling singer kicked off her sneakers, stumbled over her gown and forgot the lyrics to her own songs.

‘See, I told you I was going to mess up,’ she told the crowd, who were already unhappy because she was two hours late to the stage.

In between fits of giggling, Allen found time to mock an ex’s boyfriend’s ’size’ and even dedicated her song ‘Everything Is Wonderful’ to ‘the rich ass—– who live in Washington, D.C., and up our taxes.’

Allen canceled all but four of her 21 announced U.S. concert dates, citing exhaustion. But she wasn’t too exhausted to carry on partying after the show at the Beatrice Inn, where she ran into Josh Hartnett.

According to two witnesses, the actor was even gallant enough to escort Miss Allen inside the bathroom.