Wouldn't you just DIE if your father took a full-page ad out in the New York Daily News, congratulating you on the dawn of your menstration?

Dearest Princess,

You're a woman now, and I'm sooo proud.

Love,
Dad

Michael Lohan didn't quite do that, but it's no news that his "open" letters to daughter Lindsay aren't exactly private. So far from private was the New York Daily News, that he's now opted for his latest "issue" of Dad's Prison Chronicles to be published by InTouch mag, complete in their yellow legal pad glory.

Dear Lindsay,

I'm so proud of you in that you are taking back control of your life and putting it back on track like God wants. Now it's time to "clean house," in every sense of the word, and start anew.

As I've always told you Linds, you are blessed and God wants you to use your blessing to set an example and bless others through it as well. - You have such a kind and loving heart, which is more valuable than the world has to offer. You know that, God knows that and so do I - I've seen it in so many tears we've shed on each others' shoulders, through the love, pain and while helping others. Remember the boy in the wheelchair while we attended ABC Primetime at Disneyland, or how about the little girl with cancer at Leigh Valley Hospital? We sow in tears but can reap in joy Lindsay. But it's all up to us. The treasure is in your heart and that's where it belongs.

What you are going to learn now is that turning to God is the most important part of turning it all around. Living by the truth, God's principles and people who do the same. Make that searching moral inventory and "clean house." Then fill it with love, forgiveness and all that you know is right by God rather than man. People, places and things are huge factors Lindsay, remember that. Believe me, I know! This is a walk you will make with God and a choice of your own. And anyone who offers you advice to the contrary, or advises you to say or do anything which isn't right needs to find a walk of their own.

I'm not going to point fingers, make excuses or expose anyone, but I will say this: You know the truth, I know the truth, God knows the truth, and while that's all that truly matters, living by the truth is the glue that will hold it all together. God is synonymous with truth, just as Satan is the "father of lies." We follow one or the other, it's as simply as that. It's our choice and one which will dictate the course of our lives. But for one second, don't think that what others do won't effect our lives as well. Sometimes we too suffer for the ones we love. No matter how right we may be. It's all part of the cost of being blessed.

This is your chance my love, start from the beginning. Fill yourself with the kind of love and good, God wants you to have and you'll be blessed more than ever.

My heart is with you sweetheart and so am I. Always was and always will be, to the very end. We are one soul inhabiting two bodies. Two in kind. I feel your love, the pain and your presence as I hope you do mine.

I can't wait for the day to hold you, look in your eyes and reap the joy we sowed with our tears. Until then, know that God is with you, and so am I.
- My undying love, Daddy

Uh oh, someone's found God in the slammer. "We sow in tears but can reap in joy"-- truly Hallmark, Michael. I am moved by his fatherly love. Someone get this man a plea bargain.