Phoebe on "Friends" used "Regina Philangee" (spelling questionable, sorry, I did my phonetic best). My alias in the past has been "Cam Shamsie" but I think I've found a new one: Felicia Culotta, which simultaneously calls to mind Dunkin' Donuts Coolatas and the once-cool culottes. Adding in Felicia brings an air of wealthy mystique, but alas the real Felicia Culotta is Britney Spears' 41-year-old former longtime assistant and she's had it up to here with Brit's partying and crotch-baring. They parted ways after nine and a half years together, which is pretty much the length of Brit's entire career, and Felicia wrote an open letter to Britney and sent it to the head of one of the top Britney sites, the same guy who said he would be closing up shop due to Britney's recent wild ways and loss of fan base.

Here are some excerpts, thanks Bricks and Stones!

"I LOVED being with Britney for the past 9 1/2 years. I enjoyed being a part of HER dream, but now, am living my own dream. I cherish ALL the incredible opportunities that came my way thru my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding…I want you to know that WE (as in her Family and nearest and dearest—ALL of whom are NOT on the payroll anymore!!) are doing EVERYTHING in our power to get help for Britney and all in our power to NOT pad the bottom or move the bottom, so when she does indeed hit rock bottom, she’ll stand up and walk away from this whole fiasco a new, confident, changed, career driven Britney like we all knew and loved.

To see what’s transpiring now, makes me feel a failure, defeated. I LOVED and BELIEVED in what I was a part of for the past 10 years and was so incredibly proud of Britney and all she’d become."

I love when people put things in all caps. It's so INTENSE and really GETS THE POINT ACROSS. Because she didn't just love being with Britney; she LOVED it. There's a diff. And maybe I'm too familar with Cacee Cobb (sadly), Jessica Simpson's best friend and former personal assistant, but aren't P.A.'s usually around the same age and just an excuse for a celeb to put a friend on the payroll? Felicia Culotta must have been a real professional. I'm reminded of the poor P.A. who used to work for Lindsay Lohan and then traded up for Jessica Biel, then Lohan screamed at the P.A. at some party. Sounds like a sucky job, going to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for drinks, wiping up their vomit on the floor of the Ivy, denying that your boss is sleeping with Benicio Del Toro, being strapped to your Blackberry at all hours of the day and night...even if you are a "friend", it's hard to watch their life go down the shitter a la Ms. Spears. Seems she's cutting ties with much of her staff but it doesn't seem like she's going to settle down anytime soon. I'm betting rehab in a month, once she finishes the record.