Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Here's an alternate Vanity Fair cover for you, in case the real one make you want to throw up. Give me Hilary Swank in a bikini over these clowns any day. P.S. the baby on the fake cover is almost cuter than Suri Cruise. At least that baby has the normal amount of hair for a five month-old. Until yesterday, when the first photos of Suri were revealed on the CBS Evening News (surprise! the same debut as Katie Couric! They arranged this just so people would watch her pitiful turn as "anchor"), the Suri conspiracy was on paar with the JFK assasination theory, and everyone from your neighborhood bus driver to the CEO standing in the bathroom line next to you had their own hypotheses. Whether you lean more towards Suri being the true daughter of Katie Holmes' ex-fiancee Chris Klein, or that she's actually been inseminated by L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm, the unveiling of Suri is all over the internet. The photos, taken by Annie Liebowitz for Vanity Fair magazine, show Tom, Katie, Suri, and even Connor and Isabella as one big happy family, despite the months of Suri being hidden and gossip websites questioning her existence.

Via DListed: "Holmes, 27, tells Vanity Fair that the gossip about her and fiancĂ© Tom Cruise's daughter – born April 17 but unseen until now – "eats away at me because it's just not okay. … Some of the crap that's out there – the stuff that's said about my parents and my siblings (implying that they didn't approve of her relationship with Cruise, 44) – it's really frustrating the amount of s– that's out there. And the stuff they say about Suri? You shouldn't say that about us, and you can't say that about my child."Still, she says, she keeps up on the rumors because "this is my future. This is my family, and I care so much about them. To see how someone as caring and good as Tom is – to see how things can just get so twisted and turned around. I mean, where does it come from?"Holmes also says she "was overjoyed in being pregnant, and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable." Remember when he jumped on a couch? Remember when he told Matt Lauer he was glib? That's where it comes from, Katie. I wholeheartedly agree with Michael K of DListed that Suri Cruise looks an Asian Elvis, or at least that there's some sort of hairpiece on that baby. A wee toupee perhaps? And I think the whole photographic concept of having Suri be in Tom's jacket is just creepy. It looks like he kidnapped her from the local daycare center. Yes, I've heard about the coincidences between this photo and Linda McCartney's photo of Paul with baby Stella in his jacket, but couldn't Annie Liebowitz just have a normal on-the-lap pose?
This is by the same artist who sculpted Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug and Hilary Clinton with huge knockers, and he can now add "human shit" to his repertoire. That's a pretty huge dump for a four month-old baby; even my St. Bernard shits smaller than that. So now it's over...we've seen Suri, she's not hideously deformed (though slightly Eurasian) or having a third arm. I mean, she's no Shiloh Nouvel, but she's normal, which is a great feat, considering where she came from. And now we get ready for the tween years! We can only hope for drug abuse and DUIs, maybe getting kicked out of boarding school...

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