Thursday, September 28, 2006

Let's think about what Anna Nicole Smith has done in her life thus far. Posed for Playboy obviously. Had a son at age 18. Married J. Howard Marshall III, oil millionaire. Kissed him the way movie stars in the 20s used to kiss: mouths completely closed, lips pursed, flat-up against each others' faces. He died, she goes to court to sue for his millions. Marshall's son the IV dies during the trial, mistrial declared, and Anna inherits his fortune. Let's take a breath and get caught up with latest chapter of her made-for-tv movie.

Star is reporting that today Anna Nicole wed her long-time lawyer, Howard K. Stern in the Bahamas after he recently disclosed earlier this week on Larry King that HE, and not Larry Birkhead, is the father of newly renamed Dannielynn Smith. You may not have believed it but this story keeps getting more fucked up. Here's details via A Socialite's Life:

"In a world-exclusive report, an eyewitness tells Star that Anna, 38, and Howard, 37, tied the knot at 10:30 am on the morning of September 28, on a 50-foot catamaran anchored off Blackbeard's Cay in Nassau! "There was heavy security around the yacht, plus extra speedboats to deliver more supplies as needed (including unlimited Dom Perignon champagne) from the island to the catamaran," says the eyewitness, who adds that the wedding party celebrated the union afterwards by having a swim party around the yacht -- "and Anna was wearing a pink bikini!"

She was wearing a fucking pink bikini? After giving birth via c-section 20 days ago? Who does she think she is, Pamela Anderson? And wouldn't a black bikini be more appropriate, considering the circumstances?

As with the untimely death of her son, there's lots of suspiciousness surrounding this turn of events, which found Anna Nicole's attorney revealing on Larry King Live Tuesday that he is the father of her baby. Many questions...1) why did she involve Larry Birkhead, especially now that he firmly believes he's the biological father AND told King: "I’ve been told by Anna Nicole Smith that I’m the father of her newborn child. I have proof of it. I’ve attended multiple doctors’ appointments, participated in the planning of this child up until a minor disagreement more than midway through the pregnancy. In order to eliminate the back and forth claims regarding paternity, I am requesting that a DNA test take place in the U.S.” Good for him, he sounds like he's got his shit together. He knows how to chase those millions! 2) why is there so much secrecy regarding the father of Dannielynn? Get this shit to Sally Jessie and have a paternity test backstage. 3) Stern said he would only submit to a DNA test if "legally compelled" to do so...if he's the real father, then why would it matter? Shouldn't he have nothing to lose? And check out this exchange between King and Stern:

KING: Another e-mail from Karen in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, “Why has Anna Nicole been so secretive about who the father of her new daughter is?”
STERN: Well, I’m going to tell you that right now. Anna and I have been in a relationship and we love each other and it’s been going on for a very long time and because of my relationship as her lawyer, we felt that it was best to keep everything hidden. And we’ve actually done a pretty good job of that.
KING: Sure have. So, you are the father?
STERN: Yes, sir.
KING: By the way, have there been an DNA tests taken?
STERN: Proud father.
KING: What?
STERN: I said proud father.
KING: Were DNA tests taken?
STERN: Well, based on the timing of when the baby was born there really is no doubt in either of our minds.
KING: Did Daniel know that you were the father?
STERN: He did. He did.

I love how Larry was like, "What?" To emphasize the point that this story is bullshit.

And in the final chapter of this bizarre tale, the toxicology reports are in on Daniel Smith. After much inconclusiveness, Bricks and Stones reports that "the death of Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son Daniel was caused by a lethal combination of methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro, pathologist Cyril Wecht has revealed to PEOPLE exclusively. Wecht said the drugs caused the cardiac dysrhythmia that led to Daniel's death. Wecht got the toxicology results from National Medical Services in Willow Grove, Pa., today. Daniel Smith died in his mother's hospital room Sept. 10 while visiting her in the Bahamas three days after she gave birth to a baby girl named Dannielynn Hope. Smith's longtime lawyer, Howard K. Stern, revealed Tuesday that he is the father of the little girl." Who is behind this PR nightmare? If timing is everything, they have nothing going for them, especially in having a wedding before a funeral.


Jerkstore said...

HOLY SHIT! Okay I had to take a break but now I am back. Dang this is a good full fledge post. One thing that I wonder is how the heck you do this all in one post... but we can talk about that later...

How fucked up is all this A.N.S. shit, I didnt know that she married Howard. Do you remember the two of them on the reality tv show. He was always so into her. Through fat or thin, till death do us part I guess. Damn this is so fucked.

SES said...

"thru fat or thin, til death do us part" --ha ha! you think she'll ever get fat again?